...about folks whose memories have been altered by aliens in such a way that their families are ganging up on them to prove them worthless vile citizens of the literary world, I would like to exploit this situation by writing a new book:
My Terrible Life Down By the Crick: An Exaggerated Memoir
---- In which Lisa McMann finds herself in extreme peril (near death, several times in a variety of provoking ways) while catching crawdads in the crick down by the ol' church parking lot. But when she goes through the tunnel of doom under the road, she comes out the other side a changed woman--with many, many cobwebs in her Dutch-blonde hair, and a new, much more serious problem...she turns 12 and grows boobs, and Timmy VandenBrink has to kiss her in Paulette Toilet's dog pen before Paulette's big brother Fudd will let them out of the cage.
But I'm worried that it won't sell so well without the controversy. Hmmm.